March has been dominated by the count-down to the baby’s first birthday.  I’m a sentimental human being.  My mind has been full of “this time last year” thoughts, remembering being full-up of baby (a breech baby, kicking my lungs), the bittersweetness of final days out just me & Piglet, that sunny-windy beach trip the day before she was born, knowing that tomorrow she could be in my arms.  And then remembering her first days with us, falling asleep inside my jumper, almost just as much a part of my body as she was when she was still inside my tummy.  I find first birthdays so emotional.  She’s such a robust, plump, loving thing.  I feel relieved that she is one, sturdy, thriving, alive.  I feel excited to see the little person she is becoming.  I feel anxious that I’ll be under pressure to start letting her go.  I’ve given her everything this past year, almost entirely surrendered my bodily autonomy, I’ve curled up round her for 365 nights, I’ve carried her for almost every nap.  And now she is one.  No longer a little baby, no longer an extension of me, and I find that hard.  My guess is that a lot of mums do.  

One year of parenting Trix (and of parenting two kids) has taught me lots of things, but the main thing has been to lean-in.  Things don’t seem so hard if you just accept them. Sleep, separation anxiety, car-crying, cluster feeding.  I’ve leant in and accepted it all and it hasn’t been too hard.  (I haven’t learnt to lean in to endless colds, yet!!).  So, I guess I will lean-in to feeling worried about this next stage of starting to be apart from her a little bit more.  I’ll not be too hard on myself for feeling anxious, and together we’ll work it out.

As far as Marchs go, this one has been a bit cold and miserable.  I haven’t felt very creative.  I drew some primroses early on in the month, imagining a spring-like month of drawing flowers, but that is where it ended.  The birds have upped their singing, the evenings are lighter, the daffodils are flowering.  I’m quite certain there has been inspiration all around, but I haven’t managed to connect this month.  That’s ok.  There will be another March next year to fall in love with.  Next year, I’ll be in raptures about the emerging queen bees and the first dandelions and early blossom.  And the baby will be two!